While God Is Away

I look back at old pictures and it just physically hurts me to see how happy I used to be.

I am just so sick of my family and everyone else in my life. 

I want to live in a glass house where I can see the stars

And I won’t have to hide anymore

Everything will be on display

My imperfections, my scars

And maybe when I don’t have to hide it

I will stop feeling ashamed

And maybe I’ll start to feel like it’s not that bad

Like my imperfections are just facets of me

Not mistakes

Not wrong

Just a part of me that’s different

And maybe that will finally make me happy

To be finally honest

With everyone

But most importantly with myself

To look at my scars and tell myself

That I moved past it

That my scars do not hold me back

And maybe I will learn to like my scars and my imperfections

Maybe they will symbolize the ways I’ve changed

And grown

And maybe I will finally be happy

Because I won’t be hiding any longer

I won’t be lying

And when people look at me

If they mock me

I will not hear them

The glass will keep their words away

And I will keep living in my glass house

And every night I will see the stars.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

I get hurt too easily.

Now that you’re gone, I turn off your favorite songs, there are places I can’t go and I always feel alone.  The memories we had drip through the cracks in my roof and slip into my mind when I try and fall asleep.  I seem like I’m fine and no one can tell that my current subconscious is living in hell.  But each day is the same and no wounds are healed and I’m forced to admit these wounds are all very real.  I fake all my feelings and cry out my thoughts and I’m left with the shell of someone I’m not.

I’ve always wanted to leave and never come back

The places I’ve been are lost in the past

So I’ll close my doors and cut the cords connecting me to the outside world.

It’s hard to say goodbye because I won’t see you again

But that’s okay because I have myself and you have everyone else.

Without any notice one day I’ll be gone

But you won’t miss me because you always knew it was fated to end.

Maybe all the decisions I’m making are wrong

But now we no longer have to pretend.

Home is when I am alone with my thoughts

So risk be mine and set me free.

And when I wonder I won’t be lost

Because everything I need I’ll have with me.

Maybe I’ll think of you when I look at the sky

But you have everything you need to survive

Without any notice one day I’ll be gone

But you won’t miss me because you always knew it was fated to end.

Maybe all the decisions I’m making are wrong

But now we no longer have to pretend.

Violate my words and read all my thoughts. Push your conclusions and judge all my time. I guess it’d be lying to tell you I fought but the relief wasn’t enough to say that I’m fine. 

Hold me back and give me love to soothe my mind’s pain. You stroke my hand and tell me I have everything to gain. Tie me up with ropes and chains and give me peace to sleep. I guess it’d be lying to tell you the cuts weren’t deep.

But the cuts are deep and I didn’t fight yet the ropes and chains don’t hurt. It wouldn’t be right to tell you I act all that I am worth. I thew it away on dreams and a life that wouldn’t end in shame, but honestly, damn honesty, I have nothing left to gain.

To hush the room with screams of silence and stop you in your tracks
Because all I ever wanted was to fall and bring you back. Remember how naive I was, remember how I thought that all my life would be loving approval which wasn’t what I got.

But the cuts are deep and I didn’t fight yet the ropes and chains don’t hurt. It wouldn’t be right to tell you I act all that i am worth. I threw it away on dreams and a life that wouldn’t end in shame, but honestly, damn honesty, I have nothing left to gain.

It’s composure, blessed composure, that let’s you see my life. The game of someone innocent who has nothing there to hide. As innocent as I may be, as clever as your mind, My everything is hidden somewhere deep for you to find.

But the cuts are deep and I didn’t fight yet the ropes and chains don’t hurt. It wouldn’t be right to tell you I act all that I am worth. I threw it away on dreams and a life that wouldn’t end in shame, but honestly, damn honesty, I have nothing left to gain.

And honestly, damn honesty, I have no one left to blame.
But me.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

I messed up
I’m sorry about your luck
you’re stuck with me.
I wish something better for you
Would come along
And maybe give you hope to carry on.

When I said what I said 
(I know you remember)
I didn’t mean a word of it.
I tried to protect you from me
But it only dug you deeper in the ground.
I pray that you’ll escape these walls I’ve built
That you find what you’re looking for
outside my designation

I threw away my world (please keep yours)
I took away the best of you (and numbed it for myself)
I tried to tell you (you wouldn’t listen)
And now you share the pain I’ve felt.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

people tell you it will get better but some pain never goes away. you have to sweep up the shattered pieces of yourself and try to put them back together. they won’t fit the same way they did before but you can take those pieces and make them a part of yourself. you can rebuild your personality around that pain to make yourself a stronger person. i love you.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

you put your crown upon your own head
you know that you are best
pull on your robe, your silver shoes
your facade of love and truth
what would the world do without the ego that is you?

you walk down the famed red carpet
you know the world is yours
I watch you fake a smile and laugh to show you really care
I glare from the side and watch you not notice 
the people who were always there.

you act like you aren’t broken
you see the world as yours
but I know when no one’s watching
you hear the chaos roar.

Your memory has broken me past the point of recovery
So while I mourn the loss of what I never had
You wake up at night for a reason unknown.
You can’t place a finger on what you’ve done 
But I know you are regretting it the same

You pulled my emotions to the edge
My nerves are to their breaking point
I scream in frustration, you shudder from anger
Two are left unhappy in a world where chaos roars.

I walk the streets to forget
You sit in bed wishing you could
I welcome new disturbances 
To change my old routine
You toss and turn as your mind roams
The places in between.

You pulled my emotions to the edge
My nerves are to their breaking point
I scream in frustration, you shudder from anger
Two are left unhappy in a world where chaos roars.

You place the crown upon your head because of course you are the best
Your flawless show will always mask your feelings of unrest
I watch your ego grow and always wish I could speak up
But your crown is too heavy and you always fall before I can wake up.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

Use me, take me, play me, break me, write me over, crumple me up and throw me out. 
It’s all that I want, it’s all that you’ll give, it’s all I expect.
So soak me up, take me in, absorb the rays coming off of my skin.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Soon I’ll leave, you’ll have no one to etch your life across.
I know you can’t stand it so there’s my advantage.
And I’ll take it be sure.
I’ll have left you and derive all of my joy from the way you rust
and blow away in the wind.
When you are no more, I can spread my wings and be the person as a child I imagined I’d be.
It’s all I can expect of you.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

My one fatal flaw: through the years I’ve perfected my facade.
My mask has been tweaked and reshaped to show an untrue face.
At the draw of a gun I can stand alone, unaffected by the truth left inside.
My heart can’t be shattered for there’s nothing to break;
The torn shreds of paper just a lost human race.
Stand tall and be proud while I secretly cave.
Crawl into the hole the first shot ever made. 
Dig so far down deep that there’s nothing to find;
Admit to myself that I’m living a lie.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

The marionette stands to be pawned
To be played to amuse. Not one to contend.
As my day unfolds, the pieces in place,
And as the strings are cut, the marionette breaks.

It’s all been built up, all the tears and the lies
Now let’s bring it all down, don’t let the flames reach the sky.
Cut the last string, watch the famed puppet fall
And the absence tomorrow says you’ve buried it all.

Seeming for games, but the toll it will take
Behind the red curtain are the choices you make.
So make all the wrong ones for your promised revenge
And remember that everything comes to an end.

It’s all been built up, all the tears and the lies
Now let’s bring it all down, let the flames touch the sky.
Cut the last string, watch the famed puppet fall
And the absence tomorrow says you’ve buried it all.

Fill the page with meaningless words
Understand why they care
Decide that you don’t
Cut the string at the throat.

It’s all been built up, all the tears and the lies
Now let’s bring it all down, the flames are the sky.
Cut the last string, watch the famed puppet fall,
Let him fall, let him fall, let me fall…
Know that tomorrow, you’ll have buried it all.

(Source: whilegodisaway)

Music is an escape.  A solution, if you will.  When I’m lost or alone, I have music to turn to.  Music carries more emotions than simple words or images could ever conceal.  Or if I’m happy, and need something to share my joy with, I have music.  For me, the music is about the connections you make.  You hear a song you haven’t listened to in years and the memories from that time in your life come rushing back in a variety of notes, pitches and tones.  Each song is an experience.  Full of experiences.  The writer of the song creates the music with his own idea behind it.  When you hear it, you connect it with a feeling.  Everyone associates The Song with something of their own.  That Song holds a part of every person who has listened to it.  Part of your soul is in That Song, and when you hear it again, it’s a reconnection.  And listening to That Song in a room full of people, knowing that maybe That Song is the only thing you have in common, is beautiful.  Because The Song means something different to everyone and you can all revel in your life, right there, together. 

                If you cut Life itself open, it would bleed music.  It would pour out the souls of everything Life has ever encompassed in the form of song.  And that’s what music is.  In the bigger picture, it’s the blood, the soul of life.  But to every person in their own singularity, it’s their feelings, thoughts and ideas.

(Source: whilegodisaway)